Blocker
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Chapter Three
"Want some water, luv?" Spike asked, standing up and stretching. "Or beer? I might have some red wine left. S'all I got unless yer in the mood for a cuppa warm blood."
Tara was still a little stunned by the sight of a messy-haired, half-dressed Spike and had to concentrate to answer his question.
"Wine would be nice, but if you don't have it, beer's fine." Spike started to leave and she remembered to be polite when he wasn't standing right in front of her like that, so she added, "Thank you" to his retreating back. His back was just as was just as nice as his front.
"No problem, pet." She heard him climbing the ladder and her brain started buzzing.
What is wrong with me? It's Spike, for goodness' sake! I've known him for a long time and I've never looked at him like this. But then, he's always been dressed before - and the hair was always perfect. And now he's - Okay, calm down. He's just a guy - well, vampire, but that's no reason to be so flustered by the sight of him, even if he is all rumpled and well, sexy. You don't think of him like that! And he doesn't think of me like that! You're with Willow, remember?
That's when she remembered that she wasn't with Willow anymore and all thoughts of Spike's hair and back and bare feet were gone, replaced by sadness once again.
It helped that Spike thought she'd done the right thing by leaving. Maybe her leaving would help Willow see that what she'd done was wrong. Maybe it would help Willow change the way she used magic. She hoped so. Willow had to start facing life again, not using magic automatically whenever things didn't go the way she wanted. Maybe then they could get back together.
But- could she ever really trust Willow again?
She didn't know.
She was brought back to her surroundings by the sound of Spike jumping downstairs from the floor above. Guess breaking a leg isn't something you consider if you have supernatural strength.
"Here ya go, pet," Spike said as he handed her a glass of wine. She giggled.
"Wine in a Brainiac glass, Spike?"
"What?" He looked affronted. "Greatest comic book villain ever."
Tara just grinned at the cuteness of it and took a sip of her wine. They drank in silence for a few minutes before Spike asked, "You goin' ta forgive her?"
Tara looked teary but thoughtful and answered truthfully, "I don't know." Then she asked, "Would you? If it was Dru?"
Spike cast his eyes downward and he looked ashamed. "Was different, wasn't it? Dru was mad, didn't know what she was doin', did she?"
Tara couldn't believe it. "Dru did this to you?" She was could barely make her mouth form the words. Hadn't Willow said Drusilla was the love of Spike's life?
"Know that spell well, I do. Uses Lethe's Bramble?" He took a drink of his beer, wishing it were whiskey so he could drown the pain.
Tara nodded. "That's the one."
Spike sighed. "Dru was good with magic. Taught me a bit. That's how I knew how to cure her when she was sick. Knew it needed magic, found the spell-"
"Sick?" Tara interrupted. "I didn't think vampires could get sick."
Spike shrugged, "Long story, there was this mob in Prague that went after her." He shrugged, not wanting to go into all the details. "But I know that spell. Dru used to use it on people - and on me."
"And you forgave her?"
Spike thought for a moment. This was really none of the girl's business. His personal history wasn't why she'd come here. But she knew - had had it done to her too…
He watched her drink some of her wine and put the glass back down before giving her the answer she deserved. "No," he finally admitted. "Made her think I had, but - it's not something you can really forgive someone for, is it?"
Tara shook her head. "Why did she do it to you? Did she have a good reason?"
"What could be a good reason for doing that, pet?" There was sadness in his eyes.
"Willow thought she had a good reason. She wanted to save Buffy the pain of being taken out of Heaven."
"You makin' excuses for her now?"
"No," Tara was quick to make her position clear. "I can understand wanting to spare someone you love pain, but using magic to steal their memories isn't the way to do it."
"And what was her good reason for doin' it to the rest of us?"
"I think that was a mistake. It wasn't intended for you guys."
"Just the slayer then? We got caught in it by accident?"
"No, it was meant for Buffy-" she paused, and then divulged, "And for me."
"And what was her brilliant reason for doin' it to you?"
Tara was the one who couldn't look up now.
Spike understood. "Just like Dru. Didn't have a good reason, did she? Just did it to suit her version of how things should be."
Tara nodded, but still couldn't look him in the eye. It was a hard thing to admit that someone you loved could do something so wrong. "We argued; she made me forget the argument and I found out about it. She thinks magic is something that can solve all your problems for you and I just wanted her to deal with things on her own. I asked her to go for seven days without magic. If she'd worked the spell just on Buffy, I would have known she'd used magic, so she had to make me forget too. Again."
"How long did she last? Without the magic?"
"She cast the spell the next morning."
Spike reached over and tilted her head up until she was looking him in the eyes. "People who love you - really love you - don't do things like that, pet. I know. I told myself at the time that Dru was barmy but now I know better. She's round the bend, yeah, but she still shouldn't have done it to me. Pulling a spell like that on someone you claim to love is perverse - cruel, even for a demon. Dru didn't love me like I loved her. You don't bend minds just because you can. That's not what love is."
Tara knew he was right. It hurt; pain so far down she thought it would burn her. Willow said she loved her but she'd been willing to alter her mind because she thought she knew what was best. Going back wasn't possible. No matter what Willow said, Tara would never be willing to take that chance again. She had to be able to love someone without the fear of losing herself.
Her life with Willow was well and truly over. She could feel her heart breaking all over again, but it wasn't as intense and it felt like closure.
That's not what love is.
Even Spike knew that and Spike couldn't love - or so Buffy said. From the way he talked about his life with Drusilla and how she had hurt him, Tara suspected that wasn't true. Was this one of those vampire rules that was in the Slayer Handbook that Giles had alluded to?
Tara was quiet and pensive for a long while and Spike could see she was working things through. Coming to the only conclusion she could come to. He took another swig from his beer and set it quietly back down on the floor, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts. But she surprised him by saying, "Buffy always says that you can't love without a soul."
Spike rolled his eyes. He'd heard that one himself all too often in the last few months.
"She's wrong, isn't she?" Tara asked.
"I know plenty of people who can't love with one," Spike countered.
"But you can, can't you?"
"Been Love's Bitch enough times to prove it, I guess." He thought about the slayer and her delusions about a soul - or lack of one. "I think its Angelus's fault the slayer believes that. He did a number on her. When he was Angel he loved her but when he lost the soul… I don't think Angelus ever loved anything but himself."
"So now Buffy thinks you can't love either."
Spike just shrugged, but there was an almost smile on his face that quickly turned sad and it made Tara curious. "What is it?" He just ignored her question and got up to go find his cigarettes. She wasn't giving up that easily. "What aren't you telling me?" She sounded concerned for him.
He tried to look innocent. "Nothing." He sat down again and lit another cigarette.
Tara didn't believe him; he wasn't a very good liar. She was sure she'd heard Giles say that and she could see for herself that it was true.
"Did something happen? Did Buffy do something to you, or say something?"
Spike's hand absentmindedly went to his jaw as he blew out a plume of smoke and Tara cried, "She hit you? Why? You helped us last night when we were in trouble! She had no right to do that."
He was pleased to note that she didn't sound too happy about that but he wasn't sure if he should tell her the truth. The slayer certainly wouldn't like it. Nevertheless, Glinda had shared her pain with him; he was convinced he could trust her with his. May as well. Got to talk to someone or I'll bust.
He put out the cigarette and confided, "Wasn't over that. She-" he looked down again and picked up a pebble off the floor. He turned it around in his fingers a couple of times before going on. "-kissed me." It was just barely above a whisper. He'd like to feel proud but the slayer's ultimate reaction had made him feel even more degraded than his chip did.
Tara didn't say anything and Spike glanced up to see her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide. Looked like Tara thought it was as disgusting as the slayer did. He figured he'd better save the slayer's reputation.
"Then she slapped me, of course, and ran off all offended, as if I'd started it either time."
Tara finally spoke then. "She kissed you more than once?"
Spike noted that she sounded more shocked than repulsed; that was a good thing, right?
"First time was after the big sing-along. Just for a minute. Then last night she-" He didn't know how to explain last night. At first, she'd spurned him, then she came looking for him.
No explanations were necessary, however. "She was upset last night, Spike. We all were. After all Buffy's been through -and with Giles leaving again, she probably needed some tenderness - a little comfort after a bad day." She added the next part as gently as she could, "And the rest of us were kind of busy."
She didn't like the grief she saw in Spike's eyes and she knew she had put it there.
"So yer sayin' she was just using me."
Tara nodded. "I don't think she meant to - hurt you, I mean. Knowing Buffy, she probably didn't think about it at all before it happened. Buffy tends to act first and think later. We humans are flawed, Spike. And Buffy's been through so much."
Spike was holding onto his emotions as tightly as he could. "You don't think it's a sign that maybe the slayer could, eventually, love me back?"
Tara sighed. "I don't think you love her either, Spike." She saw him tense and added quickly, "Did you notice that you always call her 'the slayer'? You always refer to her by her job, not her name."
"Force of habit," he defended.
She raised an eyebrow at that. "If you thought of her as a woman, Spike, you'd call her by her name."
He thought about that. Was that all this was? An obsession to own her in the only way he could because he had no chance of killing her now? No, he loved her - he knew he did.
"Do you feel the same way about her that you felt about Drusilla?" Tara asked.
"No." He had to admit he didn't. "But that's because-" He picked up the pack of Marlboros but put them down again without pulling one out.
Tara waited.
He wasn't sure why that was. He'd loved Dru, he knew that for certain. "Well, Dru was insane, wasn't she? And the slayer - I mean Buffy - she's not. Bound to be a difference." Did that sound as lame to Tara as it did to him, he wondered.
"Did it make a difference to you that Dru was crazy? Did you love her less or more because of it?"
"No. Loved her in spite of it, actually. Made me want to protect her somethin' fierce, though, and the slayer - I mean Buffy - she don't need protectin', now does she? Goes out there and fights for her life every night - it's bloody exciting to watch."
Tara just smirked. "Spike, Willow's way more powerful than me and much smarter than all of us. She's been here on the mouth of Hell her whole life and it hasn't harmed her, in fact, she's thrived. And yet, all I wanted to do was hold her and protect her. When you love someone, wanting to keep him or her safe from harm is a natural part of it. I'd get scared watching Willow help Buffy, not excited."
"Well yer not a demon, are ya?"
"Was it exciting to watch Drusilla fighting off that mob in Prague?"
"Bloody hell no!" He'd been terrified that night; even the thought of it was making him sick.
She smiled as if she'd proved her point.
He thought about it.
He supposed she had.
With a sigh, he gave in. Obsession, not love. Moreover, he'd been too stupid to figure out the difference. He picked up his forgotten beer and downed it in one swallow.
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